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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Physics Teacher's Car Accident Would've Made Perfect Example For Class

ASTORIA, OR—The deadly auto wreck that claimed the life of local high school science teacher Donald Vaughan, 47, would have neatly and succinctly illustrated the basic laws of classical mechanics to his fourth-period physics class, sources reported Monday. Having struggled to grasp the rule stating that force is equal to mass times acceleration, Vaughan's students would reportedly have been given an elegant case study in the concept were he still alive to describe the way his 1992 Mazda Protégé lethally collided with a large oak tree late Saturday night. Sources also reported that, had Vaughan's students only witnessed their teacher's head separate violently from his spinal cord, they might have finally understood the fundamental idea that an object in motion will tend to stay in motion.

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