adBlockCheck

Physics Teacher's Car Accident Would've Made Perfect Example For Class

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Physics Teacher's Car Accident Would've Made Perfect Example For Class

ASTORIA, OR—The deadly auto wreck that claimed the life of local high school science teacher Donald Vaughan, 47, would have neatly and succinctly illustrated the basic laws of classical mechanics to his fourth-period physics class, sources reported Monday. Having struggled to grasp the rule stating that force is equal to mass times acceleration, Vaughan's students would reportedly have been given an elegant case study in the concept were he still alive to describe the way his 1992 Mazda Protégé lethally collided with a large oak tree late Saturday night. Sources also reported that, had Vaughan's students only witnessed their teacher's head separate violently from his spinal cord, they might have finally understood the fundamental idea that an object in motion will tend to stay in motion.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close