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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Piazza: 'I'm Just Excited To Be Able To Finish My Career Somewhere'

SAN DIEGO—During a press conference introducing him as the newest member of the Padres, Mike Piazza, the 37-year-old ex-Met catcher on the downside of his career, said he "couldn't be happier or more relieved" to have the opportunity to finish his career. "I have to admit, San Diego was always one of my top 30 choices," said Piazza, a free-agent who finalized a one-year deal with the Padres on Tuesday. "I was open to literally any possibility, but in the end, San Diego swooped in and met all my criteria: a contract, a major-league baseball team, and a spot on its roster." Piazza added that, now that his contract is settled, he can start focusing on getting in good enough shape to hit the three home runs he needs to reach 400 and coast to the Hall of Fame.

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