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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Pick-Up Swim Meet With Inner-City Kids Renews Michael Phelps' Love Of Swimming

LOS ANGELES—While walking the streets of poverty-stricken downtown Los Angeles Monday, despondent Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps witnessed, and participated in, a pick-up swim meet that reinvigorated his attitude towards the sport. "It had gotten to a point where all I cared about was winning gold medals, but seeing those kids—many of whom had absolutely nothing but their dreams—race the 400-meter individual medley and the 200-meter freestyle for the pure joy of it all brought me back to why I got into the sport in the first place," said Phelps, who reportedly won the respect of the swimmers and ultimately earned the right to come back to the Compton slum after the Olympics for September's pick-up invitational. "It was just like when I was coming up in the sport: 48 kids getting together on a Saturday, two captains picking a team, the divers going to their own section of the pool, and basically just having a good, old-fashioned, playground-rules three-hour swim meet." Phelps finished second in the 100-meter butterfly and fifth in the 200-meter individual medley.

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