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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Picking Thing Up From Apartment Floor Rescheduled For Thursday

DANIA, FL—Stating that things are “just really crazy right now,” local man James Kinter told reporters Monday that an appointment to pick up an object from his apartment floor would have to be moved to Thursday. “I’m super swamped—lots of stuff going on—so it’s going to be really tough for me to fit it in today,” Kinter said of moving the small, lightweight item that could be picked up and placed in its proper location in under five seconds. “The next few days are booked solid, too; the second half of the week is a lot more realistic. I’ll see how early Thursday morning looks and we’ll take it from there.” At press time, Kinter was looking directly at the object while lying on his couch.

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