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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Pickup Football Pioneer Credited With Idea For ‘5 Mississippi’ Blitz Count Dead At 94

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Hailing him as a revolutionary figure who forever changed the way the game was played, sources confirmed Friday that Art Folson, the pickup football pioneer credited with introducing the famed “Five Mississippi” blitz count, has passed away at the age of 94. “Art was a true visionary, and his innovative idea to prohibit defenders from rushing the quarterback until they said ‘Mississippi’ five times succeeded in increasing scoring and encouraged the development of more complex defenses,” said former teammate Norman McBride, 90, adding that Folson’s numerous other contributions, such as allowing the quarterback to start each play with the ball in his hands and proposing that two completions equaled a first down, guided the sport through its uncertain formative years. “Of course, without Art’s suggestion that we simply throw the ball to the other team on kickoffs, pickup football teams might still be punting balls wildly out of bounds after every single touchdown. He was one of the game’s most brilliant minds, and his legacy will forever live on in the countless pickup football games played across this country every single day.” Family members confirmed that Folson will be buried in his trademark blue sweatshirt that was the first to ever be used to mark the boundary of an end zone.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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