Pickup Truck Stoled

Top Headlines

Recent News

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Pickup Truck Stoled

This truck right here's the one they took.
This truck right here's the one they took.

LOGANSPORT, IN—Right out there, right in plain damn sight, a pickup truck got stoled last night out by the Murphy place, sources done reported Thursday.

According to eyewitnesses who seen it parked there, the truck, one of them nice Ford F-150 XLTs with the 4x4 and some real professional-type detail work that probably cost a bundle, was black.

"Everyone knows that's my truck. Why'd someone go and take it?" said owner Dale Hest, 35, the stepson of ol' Otto Murphy. "I just don't get it."

"Had my fishing lures in the backseat, too," Hest added. "The good ones I use for bass."

An investigation on the truck-stealing reportedly got underway real quick, but Logansport police said they ain't got a hint who done it. What with the broke glass all over the ground by where it was, it looks like the window got bust, and officers confirmed the thief might've found the spare key in the glove box and just drove 'er right off.

Hest said you can bet that ol' boy who stealed the truck is having him a time off-roading, towing a bass boat, or such.

"At this time, we have patrolmen going round countywide, checking salvage yards and car lots to see if some fella's been trying to sell a Ford," investigator Craig Schwanz said. "Problem is, trucks get stoled all the time. And a pretty one like that could look real fine to a guy comin' along who happens to want himself a truck."

Hest got the pickup with money borrowed to him by his brother-in-law, saying he needed it for his carpentry business, though Hest reportedly could have got a more used truck that was less fancy if he was just gonna fill it full of tools and whatnot.

According to most folks, the guy that took the truck was probably that Jensen boy, which'd figure, on account of he spent time in juvie for stealing cartons of cigarettes down to the Huck's and then selling them to other schoolkids, and he only got out 'cause they couldn't by law keep him no more.

Others reckon it ain't happened anything like that, and the thieves are liable to just be young boys doing as young boys will, not meaning no real harm or nothing.

Still and all, sources said, that don't bring Dale Hest's truck back.

"I'm praying for him," said Melanie Hofer, who's kin to Hest on her mother's side. "He should count his blessings that it was just his truck and that the good Lord spared him and his family getting hurt. At least they left the [old Toyota Tacoma he picked up offa his cousin down by Indianapolis] so he can still get around. That's a blessing right there."

Local crime statistics indicate this ain't the first time by a long shot a truck been stoled round these parts past few months. Back about July, Doug Hensley had his half-ton dually with the Hemi took from the Hardee's parking lot, even though he weren't in there but for 15 minutes. Furthermore, a UPS truck got reported as stoled in March, but that was because he left the keys right in there, and you can't do that, and anyhow, it turned up a couple blocks away.

People in Logansport are like to believe that, if this trend continues, their own truck could be next.

"Let's see 'em try and get mine," said resident Jeff Kramer, a drunk but a good guy basically, who owns a pickup. "All they're gonna get's a size-12 boot up their ass."

With little to do but sit and wait, Hest said he hopes his truck will turn up somewheres pretty soon, 'cause that load of cinder blocks ain't haulin' itself up to Winamac.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close