Picture At Party Comes Out Great

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Vol 32 Issue 12

Man Has Amazing Ass

TASHEN, OH—Sculpted, tight, and slightly lofted, resident Lance Holdger's ass is naturally tan and completely hairless.

Area Panties In A Bunch

CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to Cross Plains police, a pair of panties was discovered Monday wound up in a bunch and badly in need of loosening. "Whoever owned these panties," Cross Plains police chief Raymond Zorn said, "obviously needed to relax.” Failure to chill out, Zorn said, is the number one reason over three million pairs of panties become bunched in the U.S. each year. Zorn said it is still too early to tell if there is a connection between the panty-bunching incident and Friday’s discovery of a pair of Atlanta-area undies in a bundle.

Charlton Heston Gets Serious

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After nearly 40 years of wacky, lighthearted comedic roles, actor Charlton Heston finally got serious Tuesday, accepting a part in a four-hour Biblical epic to air on TNT. "I have spent my entire career doing pratfalls and mugging for the camera," Heston said. "Now I intend to wipe the smirk off my face and take on a serious, dramatic role." In the TNT drama, titled The Holy Bible, Heston will play the Biblical character Moses. Asked if he expects the transition from comedy to drama to be difficult, Heston said: "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty apes!"

Congress Names Very Special Prosecutor

WASHINGTON, DC—In its most inspirational appointment in years, Congress named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Baltimore boy with Down Syndrome, Very Special Prosecutor to the ongoing White House fundraising investigation Monday. "Michael is very special. He is fun, loves to laugh, and is always smiling," U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN) said. When informed of his appointment, Barnett waved a pen and said, "I’m a special boy!" He then accidentally signed an order for the Marines to seize all private property in the U.S. Thompson quickly nullified the order, saying, "Michael is very special, and I know he’ll be trying very hard. And that’s what’s important."

Coroner's Report: John Denver Had Sunshine On Shoulders At Time Of Crash

MONTEREY, CA—According to a Monterey County coroner’s report released Monday, singer John Denver had a shoulder-sunshine level of .27—more than two times the legal limit—at the time of his fatal airplane crash into Monterey Bay on Oct. 12. "Our autopsy discovered a substantial quantity of sunshine on and around Mr. Denver’s shoulders, more than enough to make him high," Monterey County chief coroner Richard Bozell said. "It is my opinion that it would be difficult for even the most experienced pilot to safely operate an aircraft while high on that much sunshine." Denver, who battled sunshine addiction throughout his career, was 53.

Hero Firefighter: 'I'm A Hero'

MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who rescued an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by himself as a hero this week. "What I did was incredibly brave," said Koonce, who descended all the way down the three-foot-wide well to recover eight-month-old Midland resident Melissa Sims. "In selflessly risking my own life to rescue little Melissa, I am an inspiration to those around me and proof that heroes do exist," he said. Koonce noted that once the girl was recovered, he performed rescue breathing on her, reviving her from a semi-conscious state. "I saved this child," he said. "I am Yahweh, Giver Of Life."

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors:

CLOTTS, VT—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors.
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Picture At Party Comes Out Great

CHAMPAIGN, IL—A picture of Stacy, Kerri and Jill taken at Matt and Steve's recent back-to-school party came out great Tuesday, with some even calling it "amazing."

Though they have taken hundreds of pictures together, Stacy, Kerri and Jill believe this photo is "totally the best."

The glossy, 3x5 picture, taken by Jeff using Kerri's camera, is widely regarded as the best on the entire 24-shot roll. At least four people have already requested doubles.

Walgreens employee Aimee Hartley, who developed the picture in the store's state-of-the-art Kodacolor Lab, was immediately impressed with the shot.

"When I first saw the picture, I was blown away," Hartley said. "We get a lot of party pictures here, but this one is truly something special."

According to experts, what makes this picture so special is that its three subjects are total best friends.

"Stacy, Kerri and Jill are what is commonly known as 'complete best buds,'" University of Illinois history professor J. Walter Tillinghast said. "They do everything together: They rushed Alpha Chi Omega together, they eat meals and attend football games together—everything. Recently, the three even bought identical school sweatshirts."

National Archives photo historian Timothy Gruen offered a different explanation for the greatness of the picture.

"Jill was in New York all summer, so neither Stacy nor Kerri had seen her since May," Gruen said. "No doubt this contributed to the tremendous look of excitement on their faces."

The roll of film was picked up by Kerri late Tuesday afternoon after a long, frustrating delay.

"They said the pictures would be ready yesterday at around 3. So I go in [to Walgreens] at like 4 o'clock and they still weren't ready," Kerri explained. "They said to try back in like an hour, but I had class, so I had to come back today. I was so pissed!"

Kerri noted that when she finally did pick up the pictures, she "was like, finally!"

Despite the picture's widely recognized greatness, not everyone is pleased with it. "Ew, I look gross," said Jill upon seeing it for the first time. "I'm all sweaty, and my eyes are half-closed. You guys (Stacy and Kerri) look amazing, though."

Stacy strongly disagreed with Jill's assessment of the picture. "Jill looks amazing," she said. "I look gross."

While Kerri has promised to make copies of the photo for a number of her friends, many observers are skeptical.

"When a picture comes out great, doubles are very often promised," said Hal Wallace, director of Tufts University's Institute For Media Studies. "Very rarely, however, are those copies ever actually delivered."

Nevertheless, Kerri has made it clear that she is committed to following through on her promise to make copies. On Wednesday, Stephanie, a friend of the three, said to Kerri, "You have to make me a copy," to which Kerri responded, "Definitely!"

As for the future of the photo, Tillinghast predicted it will go in a photo album with other standouts from the past. "Kerri has an album of college memories into which this would fit perfectly," he said. "The album contains many great pictures of the three going all the way back to freshman orientation, including one from that time last fall when Jill and Stacy arrived intoxicated at Kerri's dormitory room at three in the morning with pizza sauce smeared on their cheeks. That was hilarious."

While the photo is clearly the standout of the roll, there are a number of other great shots. Among them is one of Chad Webber, who friends said "totally never drinks," doing a beer bong.

"That was so hysterical," Jill said. "He did, like, the whole thing!"

Other noteworthy shots include one of Steve and Jessica, moments before "hooking up," and one of Ryan vomiting all over Matt and Steve's carpet.

For all the accolades the picture has brought Stacy, Kerri and Jill, the three are not resting on their laurels: Should the opportunity arise, they said they would not hesitate to pose together again. "Josh and Aaron are having a huge party Saturday night after the game," Stacy said. "I am definitely bringing my camera."

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