Picture At Party Comes Out Great

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Picture At Party Comes Out Great

CHAMPAIGN, IL—A picture of Stacy, Kerri and Jill taken at Matt and Steve's recent back-to-school party came out great Tuesday, with some even calling it "amazing."

Though they have taken hundreds of pictures together, Stacy, Kerri and Jill believe this photo is "totally the best."

The glossy, 3x5 picture, taken by Jeff using Kerri's camera, is widely regarded as the best on the entire 24-shot roll. At least four people have already requested doubles.

Walgreens employee Aimee Hartley, who developed the picture in the store's state-of-the-art Kodacolor Lab, was immediately impressed with the shot.

"When I first saw the picture, I was blown away," Hartley said. "We get a lot of party pictures here, but this one is truly something special."

According to experts, what makes this picture so special is that its three subjects are total best friends.

"Stacy, Kerri and Jill are what is commonly known as 'complete best buds,'" University of Illinois history professor J. Walter Tillinghast said. "They do everything together: They rushed Alpha Chi Omega together, they eat meals and attend football games together—everything. Recently, the three even bought identical school sweatshirts."

National Archives photo historian Timothy Gruen offered a different explanation for the greatness of the picture.

"Jill was in New York all summer, so neither Stacy nor Kerri had seen her since May," Gruen said. "No doubt this contributed to the tremendous look of excitement on their faces."

The roll of film was picked up by Kerri late Tuesday afternoon after a long, frustrating delay.

"They said the pictures would be ready yesterday at around 3. So I go in [to Walgreens] at like 4 o'clock and they still weren't ready," Kerri explained. "They said to try back in like an hour, but I had class, so I had to come back today. I was so pissed!"

Kerri noted that when she finally did pick up the pictures, she "was like, finally!"

Despite the picture's widely recognized greatness, not everyone is pleased with it. "Ew, I look gross," said Jill upon seeing it for the first time. "I'm all sweaty, and my eyes are half-closed. You guys (Stacy and Kerri) look amazing, though."

Stacy strongly disagreed with Jill's assessment of the picture. "Jill looks amazing," she said. "I look gross."

While Kerri has promised to make copies of the photo for a number of her friends, many observers are skeptical.

"When a picture comes out great, doubles are very often promised," said Hal Wallace, director of Tufts University's Institute For Media Studies. "Very rarely, however, are those copies ever actually delivered."

Nevertheless, Kerri has made it clear that she is committed to following through on her promise to make copies. On Wednesday, Stephanie, a friend of the three, said to Kerri, "You have to make me a copy," to which Kerri responded, "Definitely!"

As for the future of the photo, Tillinghast predicted it will go in a photo album with other standouts from the past. "Kerri has an album of college memories into which this would fit perfectly," he said. "The album contains many great pictures of the three going all the way back to freshman orientation, including one from that time last fall when Jill and Stacy arrived intoxicated at Kerri's dormitory room at three in the morning with pizza sauce smeared on their cheeks. That was hilarious."

While the photo is clearly the standout of the roll, there are a number of other great shots. Among them is one of Chad Webber, who friends said "totally never drinks," doing a beer bong.

"That was so hysterical," Jill said. "He did, like, the whole thing!"

Other noteworthy shots include one of Steve and Jessica, moments before "hooking up," and one of Ryan vomiting all over Matt and Steve's carpet.

For all the accolades the picture has brought Stacy, Kerri and Jill, the three are not resting on their laurels: Should the opportunity arise, they said they would not hesitate to pose together again. "Josh and Aaron are having a huge party Saturday night after the game," Stacy said. "I am definitely bringing my camera."

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