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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Pictures Of Smiling Group Of People Taken Where John Lennon Was Murdered

NEW YORK—A smiling group of tourists, some giving the thumbs-up sign or making "bunny ears" behind one another's heads, posed to have their pictures taken Tuesday outside the Dakota apartments, on the very spot where John Lennon's blood splashed against the building and pooled on the sidewalk as he died. "Smile!" said the photographer to the happily married couple and their three children as he stood where Mark David Chapman gunned down Lennon on Dec. 8, 1980, causing a shrieking Yoko Ono to cradle her husband's bullet-riddled body. "There! Perfect. Want to do a fun one where all of you do something silly?" The group then hailed a taxi to drive them downtown so they could have their smiling photo taken on the same spot where Islamic extremists killed thousands of Americans on Sept. 11, 2001.

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