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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Pictures Of Smiling Group Of People Taken Where John Lennon Was Murdered

NEW YORK—A smiling group of tourists, some giving the thumbs-up sign or making "bunny ears" behind one another's heads, posed to have their pictures taken Tuesday outside the Dakota apartments, on the very spot where John Lennon's blood splashed against the building and pooled on the sidewalk as he died. "Smile!" said the photographer to the happily married couple and their three children as he stood where Mark David Chapman gunned down Lennon on Dec. 8, 1980, causing a shrieking Yoko Ono to cradle her husband's bullet-riddled body. "There! Perfect. Want to do a fun one where all of you do something silly?" The group then hailed a taxi to drive them downtown so they could have their smiling photo taken on the same spot where Islamic extremists killed thousands of Americans on Sept. 11, 2001.

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