NEW YORK—At a loss as to how they could emerge from a weekend of regular-season football without any fresh insight whatsoever, ashamed and humbled members of the sports media admitted to the public Tuesday that they learned absolutely nothing from week 11 of the NFL season.
MILWAUKEE—A Piggly Wiggly-sponsored scouting report shown during an at-bat by Brewers shortstop J.J. Hardy Sunday indicated that his major weakness is a hankering for Piggly Wiggly-brand certified angus beef boneless rib-eye steaks, now just $4.99 a pound. "J.J. is very strong when it comes to purchasing three Ole El Paso Mexican Dinner Kits for $5, but he's struggled lately with Golden Flake-brand potato chips, as he hasn't bought a single bag since last August," said FSN North play-by-play announcer Brian Anderson, reading from the onscreen scouting report. "Perhaps [opposing Cardinals pitcher] Braden Looper can take advantage of the fact that J.J. does not like Tyson breaded chicken fingers." After Hardy grounded out to third base, Anderson called it a textbook case of Ronco vermicelli being on sale for 69 cents.