adBlockCheck

Pilgrims Depart For America To Escape Horrible Oppression Of Soccer

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Pilgrims Depart For America To Escape Horrible Oppression Of Soccer

On Sept. 16, 1620, a group of Puritan Separatists took to the sea in hopes of escaping persecution from soccer and its ardent followers, specifically those who would not allow the Pilgrims to live a life in which they could openly reject traditional soccer practices.

"Fundamentally, what they sought in the New World was freedom to practice any sport they wished," historian and author Bruce Wright said. "The Pilgrims thought people should not be forced to conform to one single game, especially one in which the hands went unused."

"We must keep in mind what these radical Puritans believed about idle hands," Wright added. "They saw nothing to dissuade them from the idea that soccer was the devil's workshop."

According to Wright, the Pilgrims had to endure horrifying treatment while in Europe. They could barely travel anywhere without being inundated with images of people hitting soccer balls with their heads, their knees, or even their hips. In an effort to conform, they would often try to watch a game, but, Wright said, this was tantamount to torture for people of such convictions.

Though playing in soccer matches went against everything they stood for—especially the right to enjoy oneself while participating in recreational activities—some future Pilgrims went so far as to force themselves to join the endless, scoreless games of their neighbors.

"It got to a point where they had no choice but to start a new life somewhere else, not only to escape oppression, but so their children could grow up in a place where they didn't feel like lepers for not knowing or caring about the difference between a red and yellow card." Wright said. "Unfortunately, many Puritan Separatists feared the journey to the New World and stayed in Europe. Many found soccer to be so repressive that they killed themselves."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close