Pilgrims Depart For America To Escape Horrible Oppression Of Soccer

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Pilgrims Depart For America To Escape Horrible Oppression Of Soccer

On Sept. 16, 1620, a group of Puritan Separatists took to the sea in hopes of escaping persecution from soccer and its ardent followers, specifically those who would not allow the Pilgrims to live a life in which they could openly reject traditional soccer practices.

"Fundamentally, what they sought in the New World was freedom to practice any sport they wished," historian and author Bruce Wright said. "The Pilgrims thought people should not be forced to conform to one single game, especially one in which the hands went unused."

"We must keep in mind what these radical Puritans believed about idle hands," Wright added. "They saw nothing to dissuade them from the idea that soccer was the devil's workshop."

According to Wright, the Pilgrims had to endure horrifying treatment while in Europe. They could barely travel anywhere without being inundated with images of people hitting soccer balls with their heads, their knees, or even their hips. In an effort to conform, they would often try to watch a game, but, Wright said, this was tantamount to torture for people of such convictions.

Though playing in soccer matches went against everything they stood for—especially the right to enjoy oneself while participating in recreational activities—some future Pilgrims went so far as to force themselves to join the endless, scoreless games of their neighbors.

"It got to a point where they had no choice but to start a new life somewhere else, not only to escape oppression, but so their children could grow up in a place where they didn't feel like lepers for not knowing or caring about the difference between a red and yellow card." Wright said. "Unfortunately, many Puritan Separatists feared the journey to the New World and stayed in Europe. Many found soccer to be so repressive that they killed themselves."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close