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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Piniella: 'Oh, First To Three Wins'

CHICAGO—Following the Cubs' first-round elimination from the playoffs, a stunned and confused Lou Piniella asked umpires and reporters to clarify the rules of division-series play, claiming he "could have sworn" that advancing to the NLCS involved losing three games as quickly as possible. "I thought we had the Diamondbacks right where we wanted them—we looked terrible out there, we had all the momentum on their side, and it seemed like the other team was practically trying to win," said Piniella, who claims he began getting suspicious before Game 3 due to the ease with which he lost the first two games. "Though, I guess when you think about it, this way makes lots more sense." Piniella promised that he would attempt to win the games in the NLDS next year should the Cubs amass the 90 losses needed to make it to the postseason.

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