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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Pipe Cleaners, Googly Eyes Cut From Elementary School Arts Budget

PARAMUS, NJ—With students set to arrive in about three weeks, teachers at Washington Street Elementary School were scrambling Monday to deal with a new round of budget cuts that slashed funding for the pipe cleaners and googly eyes they say are the cornerstone of a humanities-based education.

Pipe cleaners have been used as a form of artistic expression for generations.

"We are closing the door on our children's creativity," said Melinda Jarvis, a first-grade teacher who has used bendy and twisty materials in her art lessons for more than 15 years. "Without pipe cleaners, these kids will be totally unable to transform everyday objects into things with skinny arms and legs. We'll just have a bunch of egg cartons sitting around. How is that going to teach them anything about the rich artistic traditions that have shaped our civilization for millennia?" 

Jarvis, who plans to lead an Indian-style sit-in on the first day of school to protest the cuts, is only one of thousands of educators across the country to face dramatic drops in their arts budgets over the past several years. In Boca Raton, FL, there were reports of up to 16 kindergartners sharing the same pine cone. More than half of Iowa's elementary school students gave their mothers crumpled-up Kleenex wrappers taped to tongue depressors as Valentine's Day "roses" last year. And a school in Oxnard, CA was reduced to having students draw crude eyeballs on scraps of construction paper handed down from third-grade classes.  

A petition decrying the cuts drafted and signed by concerned third-graders in Ida Rosen's class in Marquette, MI.

Bergen County superintendent of schools Jim Eckford said his office was forced to make some very difficult decisions, and that Washington Street Elementary School students and teachers alike would simply have to adjust to the new reality this fall. 

"I would love nothing more than to see every student be able to make as many Santa Clauses with big, bushy beards as their hearts desire," Eckford said. "But these are tough times, and the fact of the matter is, cotton balls don't grow on trees."

In light of the budget tightening, Eckford suggested teachers develop creative outlets for their children that involve pebbles or paper-towel rolls, or somehow combine art class with lunch period.

Local parents have joined the chorus of opponents, pointing to the need to stay competitive with better-funded private schools in which students have unlimited access to pipe cleaners and have been known to glue googly eyes to other googly eyes.

"Cutting pipe cleaners and googly eyes is simply going to lead to the elimination of more items from school budgets, like Popsicle sticks and yarn," said Geraldine Mailer, president of the Washington Street Elementary School PTA and a mother of four. "To write out one's name, or the name of one's mommy, by pasting dried macaroni to colored paper is to illuminate the human soul. We're going to wind up raising a generation of mindless conformists." 

Mailer said that the deprivation could lead to future problems, including low self-esteem, juvenile delinquency, and a chronic inability to create homemade cards and scrapbooks.

"If we're going to deny our children access to diverse forms of mixed media, we may as well just shove a piece of paper in front of them, stick a pencil in their hands, and tell them to have at it," Mailer said. "But is that what we want for our kids? Is that what we want for art?"

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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