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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Pirates GM Begins Making Frantic, Haphazard Moves After Realizing It's Almost Spring Training

PITTSBURGH—While watching the noon edition of SportsCenter in his pajamas Tuesday, an alarmed Pirates GM Doug Littlefield suddenly realized that spring training was just one week away and he had yet to make a single offseason transaction. "Shit shit shit—what do we need? Hitters? Pitchers? Pitchers. Can never have enough pitching. Who's a pitcher? Let's see, Randy Johnson, Roy Oswalt, Tom Glavine—wait, wasn't there some Japanese guy now who's good?" Littlefield reportedly said as he went to go put on pants, started running the shower, and picked up the phone to call his assistant. "Who's still available… A… A… Armas. Tony Armas Jr. Wait, is he already on the Pirates? No, that's Shawn Chacon. Good, that's one. Think, think: Who else is there in baseball?" Littlefield spent the next hour trying to figure out where the Pirates normally hold spring training before making the last-minute decision to send half the team to Arizona and the other half to Florida.

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