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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Pirates Mathematically Eliminated From Major League Baseball

PITTSBURGH—After losing their fifth straight game Monday, the Pittsburgh Pirates were mathematically eliminated from Major League Baseball, having fallen to a 36-69 record that officially disqualified the team from ever playing the sport again. "Eventually it comes to a point where there just aren't enough future games to turn things around for a baseball team," manager John Russell said following a 4-0 loss to the Reds that ended the Pirates franchise. "I had high hopes that we would go deeper into our regular seasons, but truthfully, we've been playing so lousy for the last 18 years that even if we got to our 106th game we wouldn't have been able to contend." In response to the Pirates' getting knocked out of professional baseball forever, Pittsburgh fans said that they were frankly relieved.

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