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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Pirates Player Keeps Asking Fans If They Saw His Double

HOUSTON—After an opening day double off Astros closer Brad Lidge, elated Pirates third-basemen Jose Bautista was observed repeatedly asking fans in attendance if they had seen his "awesome hit." "You guys got a chance to see it, right? You weren't in here the whole time, were you?" Bautista asked a line of men waiting to use a Minute Maid Park restroom immediately after the game concluded. "I just crushed that thing. Then I ran as fast as I could all the way to second." Concerned that fans outside the stadium couldn't fully appreciate the scene, Bautista then headed over to the nearby Texas Barbecue Grill to make sure the game had been on the TV, only to find the bar had emptied as soon as patrons heard the sound of approaching cleats.

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