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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Pirates Player Keeps Asking Fans If They Saw His Double

HOUSTON—After an opening day double off Astros closer Brad Lidge, elated Pirates third-basemen Jose Bautista was observed repeatedly asking fans in attendance if they had seen his "awesome hit." "You guys got a chance to see it, right? You weren't in here the whole time, were you?" Bautista asked a line of men waiting to use a Minute Maid Park restroom immediately after the game concluded. "I just crushed that thing. Then I ran as fast as I could all the way to second." Concerned that fans outside the stadium couldn't fully appreciate the scene, Bautista then headed over to the nearby Texas Barbecue Grill to make sure the game had been on the TV, only to find the bar had emptied as soon as patrons heard the sound of approaching cleats.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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