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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Pirates Sign Guy Who Successfully Jogged Across Street

PITTSBURGH—The Pittsburgh Pirates signed Greensburg, PA resident Clark Goldwater Monday after a team scout witnessed the 36-year-old fan run across a street near PNC Park, hand a set of keys to a friend, and maintain a steady clip on his way back to the parking lot to continue tailgating. "We've been looking for a guy with this kind of ability for a long time," said Pirates manager John Russell, adding that Goldwater will start in left field for the Triple-A Indianapolis Indians Thursday. "And hearing that he only needed two strides to cross over the grass median strip tells me he might be able to stretch out a double. Players like that don't come around every day in Pittsburgh." Team officials are hopeful this decision will work out as well as their 2003 signing of starting pitcher Paul Maholm, whom they acquired after seeing Maholm accurately toss a used tissue into the garbage.

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