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Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Pirates Starting To Pay Attention To Themselves

PITTSBURGH—Finding themselves six games over .500 and vying for first place in the National League Central Division, members of the Pittsburgh Pirates organization are beginning to take notice of the surprisingly competitive Pittsburgh Pirates. "With us in contention this late in the season, I think we've proven that we can't look past ourselves anymore,"Pirates outfielder Andrew McCutchen said Friday, adding that he's become increasingly aware of himself as a force in the middle of the Pirates lineup. "Now when I look on our schedule and see the Pittsburgh Pirates, I know that we'll really need to show up for that game." According to sources, the Pirates are not the only ones beginning to pay attention, as the team’s first winning season in 18 years has become a welcome distraction to locals who would otherwise be worrying about their own existence in Pittsburgh.

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