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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Pirates Want Everyone In Pittsburgh To Stop Staring At Them

PITTSBURGH—On the heels of the Steelers' Super Bowl victory in February and the Penguins' Stanley Cup win last week, members of the fifth-place Pirates have asked the 320,000 residents of Pittsburgh to please stop giving them expectant, impatient looks. "Look, we know, okay? We know," Pirates shortstop Jack Wilson told reporters Wednesday, adding that staring really isn't necessary or even polite. "I can assure you it's not helping matters." Wilson said he looked forward to getting back for Tuesday’s home game against the Indians, as PNC Park is the only place where the citizens of Pittsburgh leave the team alone.

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