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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Pistons Discover Allen Iverson Does Not Like To Be Thrown From Moving Car

DETROIT—After a night of bonding with new teammate Allen Iverson, Pistons players reported Sunday that the eight-time NBA All-Star responded poorly on the drive home when they unbuckled his seat belt, opened the door, and flung him out of a speeding car. "As soon as we all tried to push him out of the open door, he was screaming at us, throwing punches, and scratching at our faces," said shooting guard Richard Hamilton, adding that it took three players to toss the thrashing Iverson from the car. "He really hated it. Naturally, now that we know being forced out of a moving vehicle makes him uncomfortable, we won't do it again, but how could we know? When we did it to Rasheed Wallace, he was cracking up as he bounced and rolled down the highway." Hamilton claimed Iverson would react much more positively to the razor blades they hid in the former MVP's shoe.

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