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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

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PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

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GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

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Pistorius Case Takes Dramatic Turn As Altered Plane Of Reality Results In Paralympian Shooting John Lennon

NEW YORK—Following a South African judge’s decision to grant bail to Paralympian sprinter and murder suspect Oscar Pistorius Friday, the much-followed trial reportedly took yet another dramatic, unforeseen turn after a fluctuation in the space-time continuum upended the fundamental planes of reality and resulted in the famed runner shooting and killing musician John Lennon.

According to sources, the unexpected tear in the fabric of space and time transported Pistorius from his Pretoria home to New York City on the evening of December 8, 1980, whereupon the track star approached the Beatles singer and fatally shot him outside the Dakota apartment building in Manhattan’s Upper West Side.

“At approximately 10:50 p.m., John Lennon was shot and killed by a South African assailant with prosthetic legs,” said NYPD Chief of Detectives Joshua Sullivan in 1980, confirming similar reports made by NYPD officials this morning, in 2013. “We can also confirm at this time that the suspect, who is in his late 20s, is being tried by authorities in Pretoria for a separate, unrelated crime committed 33 years in the future.”

“As the suspect has not yet been born, formal charges will not be brought against him until such time as he is, or until such time as South African authorities can re-transport the suspect through the rift in space-time for sentencing, or until such time as the suspect can be stopped in the future before he travels back in time to commit this murder,” continued Sullivan in a statement that instantly appeared in archived historical records of the period. “Fortunately, a fan of Mr. Lennon’s, Mark David Chapman, was able to provide a detailed description of the assailant to police, so he should not be hard to locate.”

Lennon’s tragic death has reportedly shocked the world of 1980, with words of condolence having issued from friends and family of the beloved Beatles drummer, as well as from President George McGovern and bandmates George Harrison, Stuart Sutcliffe, and Michael Nesmith.

At press time in November of 1986, South African officials reported they have apprehended a newborn Oscar Pistorius for the murder of John Lennon, thereby preventing the deaths of both Reeva Steenkamp and John Lennon at the hands of a 26-year-old Oscar Pistorius, and thereby making Pistorius a free man.

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