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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Pistorius Case Takes Dramatic Turn As Altered Plane Of Reality Results In Paralympian Shooting John Lennon

NEW YORK—Following a South African judge’s decision to grant bail to Paralympian sprinter and murder suspect Oscar Pistorius Friday, the much-followed trial reportedly took yet another dramatic, unforeseen turn after a fluctuation in the space-time continuum upended the fundamental planes of reality and resulted in the famed runner shooting and killing musician John Lennon.

According to sources, the unexpected tear in the fabric of space and time transported Pistorius from his Pretoria home to New York City on the evening of December 8, 1980, whereupon the track star approached the Beatles singer and fatally shot him outside the Dakota apartment building in Manhattan’s Upper West Side.

“At approximately 10:50 p.m., John Lennon was shot and killed by a South African assailant with prosthetic legs,” said NYPD Chief of Detectives Joshua Sullivan in 1980, confirming similar reports made by NYPD officials this morning, in 2013. “We can also confirm at this time that the suspect, who is in his late 20s, is being tried by authorities in Pretoria for a separate, unrelated crime committed 33 years in the future.”

“As the suspect has not yet been born, formal charges will not be brought against him until such time as he is, or until such time as South African authorities can re-transport the suspect through the rift in space-time for sentencing, or until such time as the suspect can be stopped in the future before he travels back in time to commit this murder,” continued Sullivan in a statement that instantly appeared in archived historical records of the period. “Fortunately, a fan of Mr. Lennon’s, Mark David Chapman, was able to provide a detailed description of the assailant to police, so he should not be hard to locate.”

Lennon’s tragic death has reportedly shocked the world of 1980, with words of condolence having issued from friends and family of the beloved Beatles drummer, as well as from President George McGovern and bandmates George Harrison, Stuart Sutcliffe, and Michael Nesmith.

At press time in November of 1986, South African officials reported they have apprehended a newborn Oscar Pistorius for the murder of John Lennon, thereby preventing the deaths of both Reeva Steenkamp and John Lennon at the hands of a 26-year-old Oscar Pistorius, and thereby making Pistorius a free man.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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