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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Pit Of Komodo Dragons Shocked To Discover Billionaire Who Owns Them Is Just 26

NEW YORK—While lying dormant in their 12-foot-deep, climate-controlled pit earlier this morning, the nine Komodo dragons recently purchased by local billionaire Kyle Edmunds were stunned to discover that the obscenely wealthy magnate who owns them is just 26 years old. “I guess I always assumed we were the novelty pets of some old, eccentric oil tycoon type, but apparently, this Kyle kid was born in fucking 1987,” said one member of the surprised pack of Indonesian monitor lizards, adding that he couldn’t believe they were the fanciful, spectacularly expensive whim of “some twerp in his mid-20s.” “He and his dork friends made some sort of app in college, I guess, and now he has a giant pit filled with Komodo dragons in his mansion. I mean, I thought we belonged to, like, Warren Buffet, or at least some crazed South American drug lord. But this kid?” At press time, the Komodo dragons were reportedly devouring the large carcass of a young water buffalo while shaking their heads and muttering, “The guy’s name is Kyle, for Christ’s sake.”

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