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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Pit Of Komodo Dragons Shocked To Discover Billionaire Who Owns Them Is Just 26

NEW YORK—While lying dormant in their 12-foot-deep, climate-controlled pit earlier this morning, the nine Komodo dragons recently purchased by local billionaire Kyle Edmunds were stunned to discover that the obscenely wealthy magnate who owns them is just 26 years old. “I guess I always assumed we were the novelty pets of some old, eccentric oil tycoon type, but apparently, this Kyle kid was born in fucking 1987,” said one member of the surprised pack of Indonesian monitor lizards, adding that he couldn’t believe they were the fanciful, spectacularly expensive whim of “some twerp in his mid-20s.” “He and his dork friends made some sort of app in college, I guess, and now he has a giant pit filled with Komodo dragons in his mansion. I mean, I thought we belonged to, like, Warren Buffet, or at least some crazed South American drug lord. But this kid?” At press time, the Komodo dragons were reportedly devouring the large carcass of a young water buffalo while shaking their heads and muttering, “The guy’s name is Kyle, for Christ’s sake.”

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