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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Pit Of Komodo Dragons Shocked To Discover Billionaire Who Owns Them Is Just 26

NEW YORK—While lying dormant in their 12-foot-deep, climate-controlled pit earlier this morning, the nine Komodo dragons recently purchased by local billionaire Kyle Edmunds were stunned to discover that the obscenely wealthy magnate who owns them is just 26 years old. “I guess I always assumed we were the novelty pets of some old, eccentric oil tycoon type, but apparently, this Kyle kid was born in fucking 1987,” said one member of the surprised pack of Indonesian monitor lizards, adding that he couldn’t believe they were the fanciful, spectacularly expensive whim of “some twerp in his mid-20s.” “He and his dork friends made some sort of app in college, I guess, and now he has a giant pit filled with Komodo dragons in his mansion. I mean, I thought we belonged to, like, Warren Buffet, or at least some crazed South American drug lord. But this kid?” At press time, the Komodo dragons were reportedly devouring the large carcass of a young water buffalo while shaking their heads and muttering, “The guy’s name is Kyle, for Christ’s sake.”

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