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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Pitchers And Catchers Report To Spring Training For Delousing

PHOENIX—In preparation for the fast approaching 2013 MLB preseason, the league’s pitchers and catchers reported to spring training for their annual delousing, sources confirmed Friday. “Every spring, we make sure to give these guys a lice shampoo treatment, a rigorous once-over with a steel comb to get at any nits, and destroy their infected uniforms and caps,” Milwaukee Brewers head athletic trainer Dan Wright told reporters while applying a thick, full-body lather to reliever John Axford and battery-mate Jonathan Lucroy. “It’s a long offseason, and sometimes our pitchers and catchers pick up a little something that you don’t want them bringing into the clubhouse. This procedure ensures that they start spring training clean, happy, and healthy.” According to league sources, the MLB has required all ball clubs to thoroughly delouse their pitchers and catchers since 2006, when Oakland A’s backstop Jason Kendall was responsible for an outbreak of pubic lice that spread like wildfire throughout the American League.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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