adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pitchers And Catchers Report To Spring Training For Delousing

PHOENIX—In preparation for the fast approaching 2013 MLB preseason, the league’s pitchers and catchers reported to spring training for their annual delousing, sources confirmed Friday. “Every spring, we make sure to give these guys a lice shampoo treatment, a rigorous once-over with a steel comb to get at any nits, and destroy their infected uniforms and caps,” Milwaukee Brewers head athletic trainer Dan Wright told reporters while applying a thick, full-body lather to reliever John Axford and battery-mate Jonathan Lucroy. “It’s a long offseason, and sometimes our pitchers and catchers pick up a little something that you don’t want them bringing into the clubhouse. This procedure ensures that they start spring training clean, happy, and healthy.” According to league sources, the MLB has required all ball clubs to thoroughly delouse their pitchers and catchers since 2006, when Oakland A’s backstop Jason Kendall was responsible for an outbreak of pubic lice that spread like wildfire throughout the American League.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close