adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pitchers, Catchers Report To Spring Training Bars

FT. MYERS, FL—MLB pitchers and catchers reported to spring training bars throughout Arizona and Florida Thursday, arriving early to properly loosen up and get back into drinking shape. “Everybody showed up on time to take advantage of the happy hour specials, and I’m confident that we are all ready to pound some brews and start this season off right,” said Red Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski, polishing off the last of a pitcher of Budweiser. “You always feel a bit rusty picking up women for the first time in four or five months, but once you get good and lit it all starts coming back pretty easily.” Local fans were reportedly excited to see their favorite ballplayers at practices, exhibition games, and passed out on barstools.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close