CLEVELAND—Calling it a complete and utter failure not worthy of Major League Baseball, sources at Progressive Field confirmed Monday that the stadium’s pathetic home run animation doesn’t even show a baseball screaming as it leaves Earth and flies into outer space.
TAMPA, FL—MLB pitchers snuck out of their bunks well past lights-out Tuesday night, meeting at the Tampa Bay Rays training facility to rehearse a skit making fun of the league's catchers, a source speaking on the condition of anonymity confirmed. According to the source, the skit is scheduled to be performed in front of the catchers during mid-day snack the day before the rest of the league's position players officially report to camp. "It's really, really funny," the source said through giggling fits, adding that Tom Glavine pretending to be Jorge Posada pretending to be a woman is "hilarious." "Also, the part where Pedro Martinez plays [American Idol host] Simon [Cowell], and he tears apart Jason Varitek's rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On' as performed by Josh Beckett is seriously the funniest thing I have ever seen." The source told various media present that he had to get back to his camp, saying that if Coach Francona knew that he was out late instead of rehabilitating his right shoulder, he may lose pitching privileges for the entire season, $8 million, and would not be allowed to go tubing Friday.