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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Pitchers Secretly Meet To Rehearse Skit Making Fun Of Catchers

TAMPA, FL—MLB pitchers snuck out of their bunks well past lights-out Tuesday night, meeting at the Tampa Bay Rays training facility to rehearse a skit making fun of the league's catchers, a source speaking on the condition of anonymity confirmed. According to the source, the skit is scheduled to be performed in front of the catchers during mid-day snack the day before the rest of the league's position players officially report to camp. "It's really, really funny," the source said through giggling fits, adding that Tom Glavine pretending to be Jorge Posada pretending to be a woman is "hilarious." "Also, the part where Pedro Martinez plays [American Idol host] Simon [Cowell], and he tears apart Jason Varitek's rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On' as performed by Josh Beckett is seriously the funniest thing I have ever seen." The source told various media present that he had to get back to his camp, saying that if Coach Francona knew that he was out late instead of rehabilitating his right shoulder, he may lose pitching privileges for the entire season, $8 million, and would not be allowed to go tubing Friday.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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