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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Pitiful Man Struggles To Find Reason Not To Watch Rebroadcast Of 2006 Michigan-Ohio State Game

ADRIAN, MI—Noting that the sad, pathetic little man stumbled upon the rebroadcast while absentmindedly flipping through channels Sunday evening, sources confirmed that local 28-year-old Jason Garner struggled to find a single reason not to watch a Big Ten Network airing of the famed 2006 college football game between Ohio State and the University of Michigan. “I’ve seen this entire game four times since I first watched it live, but right now, I’m not sure I can think of anything to prevent me from sitting here and doing it again,” said the utterly pitiful excuse for an adult, adding that the thrilling 42-39 game between the Buckeyes and Wolverines—which reportedly harbors absolutely none of the suspense or significance of the original matchup from nearly eight years ago—has thus far trumped every other possible thing he could be doing with his time. “I know for a fact that on this play, Michigan is going to run an inside handoff for about three yards, but here I am, watching it again. I mean, I’ve considered the work I have to finish up by tomorrow morning and the fact that I really need to head to the grocery store before it closes, but none of that is really enough to pull me away from this. At this point, I’m about ready to just accept that this is going to be the rest of my night.” Reports later confirmed that early into the first quarter, the feeble and completely hopeless Garner had reportedly convinced himself to record the rest of the game on his DVR.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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