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Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Pitiful Man Struggles To Find Reason Not To Watch Rebroadcast Of 2006 Michigan-Ohio State Game

ADRIAN, MI—Noting that the sad, pathetic little man stumbled upon the rebroadcast while absentmindedly flipping through channels Sunday evening, sources confirmed that local 28-year-old Jason Garner struggled to find a single reason not to watch a Big Ten Network airing of the famed 2006 college football game between Ohio State and the University of Michigan. “I’ve seen this entire game four times since I first watched it live, but right now, I’m not sure I can think of anything to prevent me from sitting here and doing it again,” said the utterly pitiful excuse for an adult, adding that the thrilling 42-39 game between the Buckeyes and Wolverines—which reportedly harbors absolutely none of the suspense or significance of the original matchup from nearly eight years ago—has thus far trumped every other possible thing he could be doing with his time. “I know for a fact that on this play, Michigan is going to run an inside handoff for about three yards, but here I am, watching it again. I mean, I’ve considered the work I have to finish up by tomorrow morning and the fact that I really need to head to the grocery store before it closes, but none of that is really enough to pull me away from this. At this point, I’m about ready to just accept that this is going to be the rest of my night.” Reports later confirmed that early into the first quarter, the feeble and completely hopeless Garner had reportedly convinced himself to record the rest of the game on his DVR.

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