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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Pitiful Man Struggles To Find Reason Not To Watch Rebroadcast Of 2006 Michigan-Ohio State Game

ADRIAN, MI—Noting that the sad, pathetic little man stumbled upon the rebroadcast while absentmindedly flipping through channels Sunday evening, sources confirmed that local 28-year-old Jason Garner struggled to find a single reason not to watch a Big Ten Network airing of the famed 2006 college football game between Ohio State and the University of Michigan. “I’ve seen this entire game four times since I first watched it live, but right now, I’m not sure I can think of anything to prevent me from sitting here and doing it again,” said the utterly pitiful excuse for an adult, adding that the thrilling 42-39 game between the Buckeyes and Wolverines—which reportedly harbors absolutely none of the suspense or significance of the original matchup from nearly eight years ago—has thus far trumped every other possible thing he could be doing with his time. “I know for a fact that on this play, Michigan is going to run an inside handoff for about three yards, but here I am, watching it again. I mean, I’ve considered the work I have to finish up by tomorrow morning and the fact that I really need to head to the grocery store before it closes, but none of that is really enough to pull me away from this. At this point, I’m about ready to just accept that this is going to be the rest of my night.” Reports later confirmed that early into the first quarter, the feeble and completely hopeless Garner had reportedly convinced himself to record the rest of the game on his DVR.

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