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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Pittsburgh Residents Horrified To Learn Ben Roethlisberger Considers City Home

PITTSBURGH—After the veteran quarterback strongly refuted earlier reports that he would leave the Steelers this offseason, sources confirmed Wednesday that Pittsburgh residents were horrified to learn Ben Roethlisberger considers the city his home. “I always assumed he stayed here while the Steelers were playing and then went back to Ohio during the offseason, but he wants to live here for good?” said 41-year-old Pittsburgh native Melissa Galewski, who confirmed that learning the two-time Super Bowl winner has settled down and plans to live in Pittsburgh for years to come is “beyond disturbing.” “I mean, he called himself a Pittsburgher and said he wants to raise his kids here. The fact that he even has a child in the first place is already upsetting enough, but the thought of running into Ben Roethlisberger on the sidewalk or at the grocery store in 15 or 20 years’ time is just...I really don’t like this.” Sources later confirmed that in light of Roethlisberger’s declaration, property values in Pittsburgh had plummeted by 800 percent.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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