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Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Pittsburgh Residents Horrified To Learn Ben Roethlisberger Considers City Home

PITTSBURGH—After the veteran quarterback strongly refuted earlier reports that he would leave the Steelers this offseason, sources confirmed Wednesday that Pittsburgh residents were horrified to learn Ben Roethlisberger considers the city his home. “I always assumed he stayed here while the Steelers were playing and then went back to Ohio during the offseason, but he wants to live here for good?” said 41-year-old Pittsburgh native Melissa Galewski, who confirmed that learning the two-time Super Bowl winner has settled down and plans to live in Pittsburgh for years to come is “beyond disturbing.” “I mean, he called himself a Pittsburgher and said he wants to raise his kids here. The fact that he even has a child in the first place is already upsetting enough, but the thought of running into Ben Roethlisberger on the sidewalk or at the grocery store in 15 or 20 years’ time is just...I really don’t like this.” Sources later confirmed that in light of Roethlisberger’s declaration, property values in Pittsburgh had plummeted by 800 percent.

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