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Pittsburgh Residents Horrified To Learn Ben Roethlisberger Considers City Home

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Pittsburgh Residents Horrified To Learn Ben Roethlisberger Considers City Home

PITTSBURGH—After the veteran quarterback strongly refuted earlier reports that he would leave the Steelers this offseason, sources confirmed Wednesday that Pittsburgh residents were horrified to learn Ben Roethlisberger considers the city his home. “I always assumed he stayed here while the Steelers were playing and then went back to Ohio during the offseason, but he wants to live here for good?” said 41-year-old Pittsburgh native Melissa Galewski, who confirmed that learning the two-time Super Bowl winner has settled down and plans to live in Pittsburgh for years to come is “beyond disturbing.” “I mean, he called himself a Pittsburgher and said he wants to raise his kids here. The fact that he even has a child in the first place is already upsetting enough, but the thought of running into Ben Roethlisberger on the sidewalk or at the grocery store in 15 or 20 years’ time is just...I really don’t like this.” Sources later confirmed that in light of Roethlisberger’s declaration, property values in Pittsburgh had plummeted by 800 percent.

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