adBlockCheck

Pizza-Delivery Driver's Sixth Grandmother Dies

Top Headlines

Recent News

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Pizza-Delivery Driver's Sixth Grandmother Dies

MINNEAPOLIS—Tragedy has once again befallen 27-year-old pizza-delivery driver Dick Donovan, whose beloved "Grandma Melissa" died Monday at age 87 following a long battle with heart cancer. She was Donovan's sixth grandmother to pass on in the past eight months.

Dick Donovan, who recently missed work due to the death of yet another grandmother.

Donovan's biggest loss since the untimely death of his Grandma Brittany last Friday, Grandma Melissa's passing forced the aspiring bass guitarist to miss work at D'Angelo's Pizza for three days in order to attend the family matriarch's funeral.

"Yeah, Mike, I'm at the service right now," Donovan told Mike Mosedale, his boss at D'Angelo's Pizza, via telephone from the First Avenue Funeral Home in downtown Minneapolis. "It's very moving, you know, and she looks really natural, and I have a suit on."

"She was a big Widespread Panic fan," Donovan added. "That's why you can hear them in the background."

Though he is remaining stoic, the tragic loss has clearly shaken Donovan. "It's never easy to lose one grandma," Donovan said. "But to lose as many as I have, well, it's almost too much to bear."

Donovan's string of grandmother-passings began this past February, when paternal grandmother Trish Donovan suffered a fatal leukemia attack, causing Donovan to miss two days of work and a weekend ice-fishing trip to Rainy Lake with a group of friends. Barely a month later, Elaine Donovan, another paternal grandmother, succumbed to arthritis just before friend Jimmy Gaines held an all-day 26th-birthday bash, which Donovan described as "apparently awesome."

"I understand the party was incredible, especially the part where Jimmy got so wasted, he threw up on the ping-pong table," Donovan said. "It's just too bad I missed it, what with the death of that last grandmother and all."

The string of deaths continued in May, when the mothers of Donovan's adoptive parents died on the same weekend, of Babe Ruth's Disease and multiple dystrophy, just before the opening of Star Wars: Episode I and his band's gig at Lee's Liquor Lounge.

But the most recent loss, Donovan said, may be the most painful yet.

"To think I'm never gonna see her knit and do all that old-lady stuff again really hurts," Donovan said. "And, what's worse, I just found out one of my grandfathers is sick. They say he might not last until the open-air Battle Of The Bands show on the 18th down at Peavey Plaza."

"Whoa, I've got to go now," the grief-stricken Donovan added. "Brad Zellar's van is coming up the street. We're totally road-tripping to the wake."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close