adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Plan To Be More Positive Off To Shitty Fucking Start

PITTSBURGH—Confirming that the change in outlook was already a massive pain in the ass, area woman Jen McKessy reported Thursday that her plan to be more positive was off to a shitty fucking start. “Well, I’m not even three days into giving optimism a shot, and it already sucks,” said McKessy, adding that her plan to live in the moment and give people the benefit of the doubt was probably a hopelessly naïve idea to begin with and that a smarter, less awful person would have realized this from the very beginning. “I can’t believe how quickly keeping things in perspective has gotten fucking unbearable. I mean, maybe I should feel proud that a fuck-up like me has even lasted 72 hours with a positive attitude, but there’s no way I’m missing out on an opportunity to feel like shit.” At press time McKessy’s revised plan to complain to everyone she knows was off to an excellent start.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close