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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Plan To Live In Storage Facility Voiced

LOUISVILLE, KY—Just Sunglasses employee Eric Thorp intrigued coworkers Monday with his ingenious plan to live in a storage-facility unit. "The rent would be, like, 50 bucks a month," Thorp said. "Those things are totally heated in the winter, you know. For another $50, I could join a gym, and shower there." Coworkers could find no significant downside to Thorp's idea, which no one in the world had ever thought of before.

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