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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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'Planet Earth' PA Still Trying To Get Release Forms From Every Bird In Serengeti

NGORONGORO, TANZANIA—Despite spending several years scouring Serengeti National Park's rolling plains, arid basins, and remote mountaintops, 24-year-old production assistant Rachel Orr is still trying to obtain release forms from every bird that appeared on camera in the BBC's Planet Earth. "It's exhausting work, scrambling from branch to branch hunting for signatures from each three-banded plover, but if we don't cover all our bases, we could end up facing some serious lawsuits," said Orr, attempting to flag down a ruff that was filmed bathing itself for the show's 'Jungles' episode. "It's pretty discouraging when a flock of bustards flies by and doesn't even notice me standing here with the clipboard. But at least I'm not one of the PAs still trying to track down individual fire ants." Orr told reporters she was intentionally saving the elusive magpie shrikes for last since they'd probably be extinct soon anyway.

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