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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Planet Explodes

EARTH—All Earth lifeforms are feared dead in Monday's explosion of the four-billion-year-old planet, sources report. "We are still searching through the rubble for any signs of life which may be present," said American Red Cross volunteer Patricia O'Donnell. "But we stress that the hope of retrieving survivors is quite slim." A research mishap at Long Island's Brookhaven National Laboratories is believed responsible for the catastrophic explosion.

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