adBlockCheck

Planning A Dinner Party

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Planning A Dinner Party

Here are some helpful hints to make your next dinner party a smashing success:

Planning A Dinner Party

  • Before dessert is served, the table should be cleared of all items from previous courses. This includes napkins, styrofoam plates, Popeye's wrappers, stadium cups, sporks, ketchup packets, and empty Thunderbird bottles.

  • If someone is murdered at your dinner party, save face by explaining that you are hosting one of those "How To Host A Murder" mystery parties.
  • When selecting a wine for the evening, first determine whether your motivations for the party are political or romantic.
  • For a truly elegant and tasteful affair, do up a bunch of froofy Martha Stewart stuff.
  • When hosting a romantic dinner for two, avoid using the good china, as your date may want to sweep the dishes off the table and make love right there.
  • If asked about a recipe, never tell them you got it from the label on the back of a Ragu jar.
  • Just because you haven't a friend in the world doesn't mean you can't throw a dinner party. Here's a possible guest list: Mrs. Butterworth, Chef Boyardee, Molly McButter, Mrs. Dash, Mr. Goodbar, and Bar Keeper's Friend.
  • Bon mots should be tossed off to the left, continuing in a clockwise direction.
  • You wouldn't believe how much lighting a big, fat joint will improve the reception your food gets.
  • If you are a clumsy, screwball waiter, you can easily avoid spilling a tureen of chowder over the shocked countess' head by simply making sure that no live lobsters clamp onto your nose.
  • If you are unsure where to seat the hermaphrodite, outside generally suffices.
  • Your fancy silverware isn't fooling anyone. Everyone knows you're having an affair and that this dinner is a desperate, transparent ploy to mask your floundering marriage.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close