Planning A Dinner Party

In This Section

Vol 38 Issue 05

Vanquished Foe's Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet

DEATH MOUNTAIN— The skull of Wynric Lance, failed claimant to the throne of Eirea, does not make as good a wine goblet as Lord Shryke had imagined, the despot revealed Monday. "This damn thing is practically impossible to drink out of," said Shryke at a banquet celebrating the defeat of the Army Of Light. "You have to hold it just right to keep the wine from spilling over the parietal bones where they connect with the occipital. And there's a leak in the left temple. As much as I love the idea of using it, it's just stupid and impractical." Shryke concluded that while he might end up drinking from Lance's skull "occasionally, for show," he plans to retain his set of brass flutes for everyday use.

Valentine's Day Coming A Little Early In Relationship

MONROE, MI— Area resident Todd Munde, who has been dating Lisa Watros for the past three weeks, lamented Monday that Valentine's Day is coming a little early in the couple's relationship. "It's kind of weird to be doing the whole romantic flowers-and-candy Valentine's Day thing with somebody you just started seeing," said Munde, 30. "Ideally, we would have started dating last October. That way, Valentine's Day would have fallen somewhere around the four-month mark. Oh, well."

Moviegoer Can Already See Where Commercials Will Go

MILTON, MA— Twenty minutes into a screening of Disney's Snow Dogs Monday, moviegoer Ryan Friesen announced that he can already tell where the commercial breaks will be inserted when the film is aired on ABC sometime in 2003. "Right there... commercial," Friesen said to himself as Cuba Gooding Jr., who stars as a Miami dentist who inherits an dogsled team, heads off to Alaska. "That'll be the first break, right around 8:20 p.m., assuming they start it at 8." Friesen has previously called the commercial breaks for the films Jumanji, Home Alone 2, and Twister with 80 percent accuracy.

Smiling Willie Nelson Reflects On A Lifetime Of Weed And Women

LUCK , TX— Taking a long, slow drag off a joint, country-music legend Willie Nelson reflected on a lifetime of weed and women Monday. "I've had some pretty fine times," said a smiling Nelson between hits at his West Texas ranch. "And some pretty fine ladies. Some of the names have escaped me, but the memories never will." Nelson then retired to his backyard, where he drank beer and strummed his favorite guitar while watching the sun go down.

The Defense Budget

President Bush's proposed $379 billion defense budget would be the largest increase in two decades. What do you think?

Incurable Romantic? Guilty As Charged!

Next to Christmas, my favorite holiday has to be Valentine's Day. In fact, I just got done decorating the windows of our apartment with teeny hearts cut out of red tissue paper, an annual ritual of mine. And, without fail, my efforts always get the same reaction from hubby Rick: "Geez, Jean, did they rezone the red-light district right through our place? Where's the whores?"
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Planning A Dinner Party

Here are some helpful hints to make your next dinner party a smashing success:

Planning A Dinner Party

  • Before dessert is served, the table should be cleared of all items from previous courses. This includes napkins, styrofoam plates, Popeye's wrappers, stadium cups, sporks, ketchup packets, and empty Thunderbird bottles.

  • If someone is murdered at your dinner party, save face by explaining that you are hosting one of those "How To Host A Murder" mystery parties.
  • When selecting a wine for the evening, first determine whether your motivations for the party are political or romantic.
  • For a truly elegant and tasteful affair, do up a bunch of froofy Martha Stewart stuff.
  • When hosting a romantic dinner for two, avoid using the good china, as your date may want to sweep the dishes off the table and make love right there.
  • If asked about a recipe, never tell them you got it from the label on the back of a Ragu jar.
  • Just because you haven't a friend in the world doesn't mean you can't throw a dinner party. Here's a possible guest list: Mrs. Butterworth, Chef Boyardee, Molly McButter, Mrs. Dash, Mr. Goodbar, and Bar Keeper's Friend.
  • Bon mots should be tossed off to the left, continuing in a clockwise direction.
  • You wouldn't believe how much lighting a big, fat joint will improve the reception your food gets.
  • If you are a clumsy, screwball waiter, you can easily avoid spilling a tureen of chowder over the shocked countess' head by simply making sure that no live lobsters clamp onto your nose.
  • If you are unsure where to seat the hermaphrodite, outside generally suffices.
  • Your fancy silverware isn't fooling anyone. Everyone knows you're having an affair and that this dinner is a desperate, transparent ploy to mask your floundering marriage.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More