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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Planning A Dinner Party

Here are some helpful hints to make your next dinner party a smashing success:

Planning A Dinner Party

  • Before dessert is served, the table should be cleared of all items from previous courses. This includes napkins, styrofoam plates, Popeye's wrappers, stadium cups, sporks, ketchup packets, and empty Thunderbird bottles.

  • If someone is murdered at your dinner party, save face by explaining that you are hosting one of those "How To Host A Murder" mystery parties.
  • When selecting a wine for the evening, first determine whether your motivations for the party are political or romantic.
  • For a truly elegant and tasteful affair, do up a bunch of froofy Martha Stewart stuff.
  • When hosting a romantic dinner for two, avoid using the good china, as your date may want to sweep the dishes off the table and make love right there.
  • If asked about a recipe, never tell them you got it from the label on the back of a Ragu jar.
  • Just because you haven't a friend in the world doesn't mean you can't throw a dinner party. Here's a possible guest list: Mrs. Butterworth, Chef Boyardee, Molly McButter, Mrs. Dash, Mr. Goodbar, and Bar Keeper's Friend.
  • Bon mots should be tossed off to the left, continuing in a clockwise direction.
  • You wouldn't believe how much lighting a big, fat joint will improve the reception your food gets.
  • If you are a clumsy, screwball waiter, you can easily avoid spilling a tureen of chowder over the shocked countess' head by simply making sure that no live lobsters clamp onto your nose.
  • If you are unsure where to seat the hermaphrodite, outside generally suffices.
  • Your fancy silverware isn't fooling anyone. Everyone knows you're having an affair and that this dinner is a desperate, transparent ploy to mask your floundering marriage.

More from this section

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

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