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Planning A Family Vacation

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Planning A Family Vacation

Family around station wagon.
Family around station wagon.

Summer is just around the corner, and that means one thing: family vacations. Here are some tips to make your brood's next trip a success:

  • Vacations can be educational, as well as fun. Take advantage of teaching opportunities while at places like Gettysburg Go-Kart & Waterpark and the Wounded Knee Outlet Mall.
  • If you have young teenage girls, a trip to the Far East can easily pay for itself.
  • Visit a local travel agency and load up on Caribbean-cruise brochures. Hold these brochures very close to your face for a quickie vacation-on-a-budget.
  • If you plan to be gone more than a few days, set an automatic timer to turn your lights on and off five times a second while pulsating techno music plays.
  • You should totally go to Bhutan, dude. There's, like, Buddhist temples there run entirely by monkeys.
  • Not all life-insurance policies will pay out if your family is killed in a foreign country. If this is your plan, ask yourself whether you're doing it for financial or personal reasons.
  • Lindsay Buckingham found out long ago: It's a long way down the holiday road. Holiday ro-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oad.
  • If you have teenage children, chances are they want nothing to do with you and your lame vacation plans. Stock the house with plenty of booze and leave them behind to drink and fornicate in peace.
  • Need food, gas, or lodging? Unfortunately, there are few places in the U.S. that furnish these things.
  • Organization is the key to a successful vacation. Have a German army officer plan your trip.
  • When driving across country, remember: Interstate rest stops are a great way for you and your family to enjoy free, anonymous gay sex.
  • Whenever possible, encourage your children to distract sleep-deprived, speed-addled men driving 20-ton trucks.
  • Make sure you fill up your kids with soda before you leave. You don't want them asking for soda on the road.
  • When visiting the Grand Canyon, try to suppress your overpowering urge to throw yourself and your family over the railing.

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