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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Planning A Family Vacation

Family around station wagon.
Family around station wagon.

Summer is just around the corner, and that means one thing: family vacations. Here are some tips to make your brood's next trip a success:

  • Vacations can be educational, as well as fun. Take advantage of teaching opportunities while at places like Gettysburg Go-Kart & Waterpark and the Wounded Knee Outlet Mall.
  • If you have young teenage girls, a trip to the Far East can easily pay for itself.
  • Visit a local travel agency and load up on Caribbean-cruise brochures. Hold these brochures very close to your face for a quickie vacation-on-a-budget.
  • If you plan to be gone more than a few days, set an automatic timer to turn your lights on and off five times a second while pulsating techno music plays.
  • You should totally go to Bhutan, dude. There's, like, Buddhist temples there run entirely by monkeys.
  • Not all life-insurance policies will pay out if your family is killed in a foreign country. If this is your plan, ask yourself whether you're doing it for financial or personal reasons.
  • Lindsay Buckingham found out long ago: It's a long way down the holiday road. Holiday ro-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oad.
  • If you have teenage children, chances are they want nothing to do with you and your lame vacation plans. Stock the house with plenty of booze and leave them behind to drink and fornicate in peace.
  • Need food, gas, or lodging? Unfortunately, there are few places in the U.S. that furnish these things.
  • Organization is the key to a successful vacation. Have a German army officer plan your trip.
  • When driving across country, remember: Interstate rest stops are a great way for you and your family to enjoy free, anonymous gay sex.
  • Whenever possible, encourage your children to distract sleep-deprived, speed-addled men driving 20-ton trucks.
  • Make sure you fill up your kids with soda before you leave. You don't want them asking for soda on the road.
  • When visiting the Grand Canyon, try to suppress your overpowering urge to throw yourself and your family over the railing.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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