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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Plaxico Burress Holds Team Meeting To Admit He Was Wide Open

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In an emotional locker-room address to his gathered teammates and coaches, troubled Giants receiver Plaxico Burress admitted to being completely open on a third down play in Sunday's game against the Eagles. "I know I've put this team through a lot this season, but I just want to say that I had a step on him...I was gone," said Burress, who called the meeting after arriving late to practice for the 10th time this season. "I realize this team has rules for everyone else for a reason, and that's to win. And although it's hard for me to say this, we are never going to win if we don't get the ball to me more. I mean, I'm open most plays. We can get through this if, before you do anything else, you look at me." After the meeting, Burress took head coach Tom Coughlin aside to more personally express how he hates running decoy routes and blocking.

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