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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.
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Plaxico Burress Holds Team Meeting To Admit He Was Wide Open

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In an emotional locker-room address to his gathered teammates and coaches, troubled Giants receiver Plaxico Burress admitted to being completely open on a third down play in Sunday's game against the Eagles. "I know I've put this team through a lot this season, but I just want to say that I had a step on him...I was gone," said Burress, who called the meeting after arriving late to practice for the 10th time this season. "I realize this team has rules for everyone else for a reason, and that's to win. And although it's hard for me to say this, we are never going to win if we don't get the ball to me more. I mean, I'm open most plays. We can get through this if, before you do anything else, you look at me." After the meeting, Burress took head coach Tom Coughlin aside to more personally express how he hates running decoy routes and blocking.

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