WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.
GLENDALE, AZ—In an apparent attempt to raise his morale and that of his team, Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress released a statement Monday saying that his own personal 6'5" height was superior to that of the New England Patriots. "I have successfully out-stood every other player in the league when it comes to tallness," Burress' statement read in part. "That is a fact. And I get taller when I raise my arms, and taller again when I jump. The Pats are good, but there is nothing they can do about me in the department of being full-grown." Patriots linebacker Junior Seau responded to Burress' statement by saying that, while Burress was a very tall player indeed and had displayed great height in the past, it remained to be seen whether he was taller than the Patriots defense when they were playing well.