adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

'Play Every Day To The Best Of Your Ability' Clause Stalled Ramirez, Dodgers Talks

LOS ANGELES—A clause stipulating that free agent Manny Ramirez show up to games on time and play baseball to the greatest extent of his ability became a major sticking point in contract negotiations between the left fielder and the Dodgers, Ramirez's agent Scott Boras told reporters after Ramirez finally agreed to terms Wednesday. "We were willing to bend on the showing up part, but if they wanted my client to actually care about winning while he is up to bat, running the base paths, and fielding both fly and ground balls, well, that would have cost them at least another $17 million," Boras said. "If we gave in on that, then they'd have felt free to renege on the clause that allows Manny to play while wearing a bathing suit, a Kobe Bryant jersey, and sandals." Ramirez was too entranced by the guy at Venice Beach who rides a unicycle while holding two king cobra snakes to comment.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close