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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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'Play Every Day To The Best Of Your Ability' Clause Stalled Ramirez, Dodgers Talks

LOS ANGELES—A clause stipulating that free agent Manny Ramirez show up to games on time and play baseball to the greatest extent of his ability became a major sticking point in contract negotiations between the left fielder and the Dodgers, Ramirez's agent Scott Boras told reporters after Ramirez finally agreed to terms Wednesday. "We were willing to bend on the showing up part, but if they wanted my client to actually care about winning while he is up to bat, running the base paths, and fielding both fly and ground balls, well, that would have cost them at least another $17 million," Boras said. "If we gave in on that, then they'd have felt free to renege on the clause that allows Manny to play while wearing a bathing suit, a Kobe Bryant jersey, and sandals." Ramirez was too entranced by the guy at Venice Beach who rides a unicycle while holding two king cobra snakes to comment.

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