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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.
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Playboy Centerfold Has Big Dreams, Tits

Big dreams are a way of life for Playboy centerfold Cyndi Tyler. The 22-year-old Miss January comes from a close-knit North Dakota family of big dreamers. "Since as long as I can remember," Tyler says, "I've been taught that you should dream big, and I do. I have really big dreams."

Tyler also has really big tits. Big tits also run in the Tyler family. Her mother, June, and her younger sister, Stephanie, both sport large, full tits. Tyler's chest measurement is 38 inches, and she wears a D-cup brassiere.

Tyler stares starward and smiles when talking about her dreams. "I want to run my own company one day," she says. "I want to go into marketing and help promote new computer and technology products that are environmentally sound." That, Tyler says, is her big dream.

Tyler's big tits are firm, bouncy tits with just a hint of a tan line left from her favorite Hawaiian Tropic bikini top. She smiles coquettishly and suggestively when cupping and cradling her tits.

Tyler believes in acting on her dreams. "Without a game plan, your dreams are never going to come true," she says. Tyler says she keeps a daily list of small, incremental goals which will lead, slowly but surely, to the fulfillment of larger life goals. "I'm very motivated," she added.

Tyler also believes in caressing her big tits. "I like to soap them up in the shower and massage them, then tease my nipples. Sometimes while I do this I dream of being kissed by my boyfriend." Tyler adds that she almost never caresses her big tits "without a game plan."

Tyler knows that belief in herself can only take her so far. "My family and friends are very supportive of me. They believe in me, and that gives me strength." It really helps me focus on my goals when I know the people around me have faith that I'll succeed."

Tyler enjoys having her big tits sucked and licked by her boyfriend. "When he does that to me, I always seem to reach my goal. Whether it's mild, pleasurable stimulation or all-out orgasm, I know that I'll succeed."

More from this section

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

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