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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Playboy Centerfold Has Big Dreams, Tits

Big dreams are a way of life for Playboy centerfold Cyndi Tyler. The 22-year-old Miss January comes from a close-knit North Dakota family of big dreamers. "Since as long as I can remember," Tyler says, "I've been taught that you should dream big, and I do. I have really big dreams."

Tyler also has really big tits. Big tits also run in the Tyler family. Her mother, June, and her younger sister, Stephanie, both sport large, full tits. Tyler's chest measurement is 38 inches, and she wears a D-cup brassiere.

Tyler stares starward and smiles when talking about her dreams. "I want to run my own company one day," she says. "I want to go into marketing and help promote new computer and technology products that are environmentally sound." That, Tyler says, is her big dream.

Tyler's big tits are firm, bouncy tits with just a hint of a tan line left from her favorite Hawaiian Tropic bikini top. She smiles coquettishly and suggestively when cupping and cradling her tits.

Tyler believes in acting on her dreams. "Without a game plan, your dreams are never going to come true," she says. Tyler says she keeps a daily list of small, incremental goals which will lead, slowly but surely, to the fulfillment of larger life goals. "I'm very motivated," she added.

Tyler also believes in caressing her big tits. "I like to soap them up in the shower and massage them, then tease my nipples. Sometimes while I do this I dream of being kissed by my boyfriend." Tyler adds that she almost never caresses her big tits "without a game plan."

Tyler knows that belief in herself can only take her so far. "My family and friends are very supportive of me. They believe in me, and that gives me strength." It really helps me focus on my goals when I know the people around me have faith that I'll succeed."

Tyler enjoys having her big tits sucked and licked by her boyfriend. "When he does that to me, I always seem to reach my goal. Whether it's mild, pleasurable stimulation or all-out orgasm, I know that I'll succeed."

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