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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Player Drafted At Linebacker To Start At Realtor

OAKLAND, CA—The Raiders organization welcomed sixth-round draft choice Travis Goethel Wednesday and said the Arizona State linebacker would more than likely be asked to start as a Bay-area Realtor by the beginning of next season. "We believe that the intelligence, instinct, and leadership Travis displayed on the college gridiron will be of immense help to him as he assists his clients in finding quality housing in the greater Oakland region," a press release from the Raiders read in part. "While he was a standout college linebacker, we believe he will adjust quickly to his new position once he realizes his future is in real estate." Goethel claimed to be satisfied with the team's decision, saying it was far better than being asked to switch to car dealer, casino greeter, or long snapper.

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