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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Player Drafted At Linebacker To Start At Realtor

OAKLAND, CA—The Raiders organization welcomed sixth-round draft choice Travis Goethel Wednesday and said the Arizona State linebacker would more than likely be asked to start as a Bay-area Realtor by the beginning of next season. "We believe that the intelligence, instinct, and leadership Travis displayed on the college gridiron will be of immense help to him as he assists his clients in finding quality housing in the greater Oakland region," a press release from the Raiders read in part. "While he was a standout college linebacker, we believe he will adjust quickly to his new position once he realizes his future is in real estate." Goethel claimed to be satisfied with the team's decision, saying it was far better than being asked to switch to car dealer, casino greeter, or long snapper.

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