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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Player Feels Need To Clarify Comments After They're Received Poorly

MIAMI, FL—Upon learning that his post-game comments were reported in a manner that portrayed him as uncaring, selfish, and possibly insensitive, Marlins second-baseman Dan Uggla issued an immediate apology, saying "it was never my intention for these remarks to be met with an unfavorable response." "It is with great sorrow that I amend my previous statement with a heretofore nonexistent context in such a way that shifts the blame from myself to the reporter, whom I will now forgive in a magnanimous show of sportsmanship," Uggla said in a somber press conference Tuesday, during which he frowned and shook his head multiple times to convey remorse and understanding. "Also, I did not realize those particular words are offensive to that particular race of people, and I certainly didn't know that they meant that." Uggla is expected to further clarify certain comments made during his apology in a press conference tomorrow.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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