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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Player Feels Need To Clarify Comments After They're Received Poorly

MIAMI, FL—Upon learning that his post-game comments were reported in a manner that portrayed him as uncaring, selfish, and possibly insensitive, Marlins second-baseman Dan Uggla issued an immediate apology, saying "it was never my intention for these remarks to be met with an unfavorable response." "It is with great sorrow that I amend my previous statement with a heretofore nonexistent context in such a way that shifts the blame from myself to the reporter, whom I will now forgive in a magnanimous show of sportsmanship," Uggla said in a somber press conference Tuesday, during which he frowned and shook his head multiple times to convey remorse and understanding. "Also, I did not realize those particular words are offensive to that particular race of people, and I certainly didn't know that they meant that." Uggla is expected to further clarify certain comments made during his apology in a press conference tomorrow.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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