adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Player Feels Need To Clarify Comments After They're Received Poorly

MIAMI, FL—Upon learning that his post-game comments were reported in a manner that portrayed him as uncaring, selfish, and possibly insensitive, Marlins second-baseman Dan Uggla issued an immediate apology, saying "it was never my intention for these remarks to be met with an unfavorable response." "It is with great sorrow that I amend my previous statement with a heretofore nonexistent context in such a way that shifts the blame from myself to the reporter, whom I will now forgive in a magnanimous show of sportsmanship," Uggla said in a somber press conference Tuesday, during which he frowned and shook his head multiple times to convey remorse and understanding. "Also, I did not realize those particular words are offensive to that particular race of people, and I certainly didn't know that they meant that." Uggla is expected to further clarify certain comments made during his apology in a press conference tomorrow.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close