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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Player Pathetically Convinces Self He'll Be Even Better After Surgery

NEW YORK—In an extremely depressing case of denial Monday, a professional athlete about to undergo season-ending knee surgery told reporters that following the complex, four-hour-long procedure, he could be even stronger and faster than he was prior to the injury. "The new ligament will actually be more durable than the last one since it won't have been through all the wear and tear," said the pathetic player, blatantly disregarding the fact that doctors would be harvesting other parts of his body in order to perform the surgery, thus weakening crucial muscles surrounding the knee and essentially making him a shell of his former self. "I bet I'll be able to move quicker than I did in college." According to sources, even more heartbreaking than the player's unrealistic statement has been the response from his fans, who not only ignored their gut instinct that the player's once-promising career was basically over, but actually began speculating how good their team would be when he finally returns.

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