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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Player Pathetically Convinces Self He'll Be Even Better After Surgery

NEW YORK—In an extremely depressing case of denial Monday, a professional athlete about to undergo season-ending knee surgery told reporters that following the complex, four-hour-long procedure, he could be even stronger and faster than he was prior to the injury. "The new ligament will actually be more durable than the last one since it won't have been through all the wear and tear," said the pathetic player, blatantly disregarding the fact that doctors would be harvesting other parts of his body in order to perform the surgery, thus weakening crucial muscles surrounding the knee and essentially making him a shell of his former self. "I bet I'll be able to move quicker than I did in college." According to sources, even more heartbreaking than the player's unrealistic statement has been the response from his fans, who not only ignored their gut instinct that the player's once-promising career was basically over, but actually began speculating how good their team would be when he finally returns.

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