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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Player To Be Named Later Knows It's Him

ST. LOUIS—Following Monday's trade between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays involving several named individuals and a player to be named later, Double A Springfield Cardinals catcher Bryan Anderson revealed that he realizes the player to be named in the swap is him. "Come on, let's be honest—who else would it be?" Anderson said from in front of his newly empty locker, his fully packed equipment bag slung over his shoulder. "Everyone knows the Rays are looking for a young, cheap catching talent whose fate they can control for the next six years. In fact, I'd even bet my questionable status as a prospect was what got me onto the list of potential player matches, considering [the Devil Rays'] history of penny-pinching." Though Anderson was admittedly upset about the impending deal, he did concede it was better than being dealt for cash considerations.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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