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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Player To Be Named Later Knows It's Him

ST. LOUIS—Following Monday's trade between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays involving several named individuals and a player to be named later, Double A Springfield Cardinals catcher Bryan Anderson revealed that he realizes the player to be named in the swap is him. "Come on, let's be honest—who else would it be?" Anderson said from in front of his newly empty locker, his fully packed equipment bag slung over his shoulder. "Everyone knows the Rays are looking for a young, cheap catching talent whose fate they can control for the next six years. In fact, I'd even bet my questionable status as a prospect was what got me onto the list of potential player matches, considering [the Devil Rays'] history of penny-pinching." Though Anderson was admittedly upset about the impending deal, he did concede it was better than being dealt for cash considerations.

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