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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Player's Career Arc Exactly Mirrors Second Verse Of Steve Miller's 'Rock 'N Me'

NORWALK, CT—While listening to the radio on his drive home Monday afternoon, former MLB player Terry Boylan realized that his professional career exactly mirrors the travels of the man in the Steve Miller Band song "Rock 'N Me." "I went from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to Tacoma, Philadelphia, Atlanta, L.A.," said Boylan, who was selected in the 1998 expansion draft by the Arizona Diamonbacks, traded to the Mariners and spent a season with their Triple-A affiliate Tacoma Rainiers, claimed by the Philadelphia Phillies in the 2000 Rule 5 draft, released and picked up off waivers the following year by the Atlanta Braves, and traded once more to the Dodgers of Los Angeles. "Then I went to northern California—where the girls are warm—when I signed as a free agent with the San Francisco Giants. Though I didn't go there to be with my sweet baby, incidentally that's where I met my future wife. Weird." Boylan added that he is not superstitious nor does he get suspicious, and his woman is a friend of his.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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