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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Player's Career Arc Exactly Mirrors Second Verse Of Steve Miller's 'Rock 'N Me'

NORWALK, CT—While listening to the radio on his drive home Monday afternoon, former MLB player Terry Boylan realized that his professional career exactly mirrors the travels of the man in the Steve Miller Band song "Rock 'N Me." "I went from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to Tacoma, Philadelphia, Atlanta, L.A.," said Boylan, who was selected in the 1998 expansion draft by the Arizona Diamonbacks, traded to the Mariners and spent a season with their Triple-A affiliate Tacoma Rainiers, claimed by the Philadelphia Phillies in the 2000 Rule 5 draft, released and picked up off waivers the following year by the Atlanta Braves, and traded once more to the Dodgers of Los Angeles. "Then I went to northern California—where the girls are warm—when I signed as a free agent with the San Francisco Giants. Though I didn't go there to be with my sweet baby, incidentally that's where I met my future wife. Weird." Boylan added that he is not superstitious nor does he get suspicious, and his woman is a friend of his.

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