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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Players Drink Soda, Wear Sneakers, Drive Trucks On Grueling Day One Of NFL Endorsement Combine

INDIANAPOLIS—The first day of the NFL's endorsement combine ended Friday with draftees performing for marketing scouts in workouts that included shoe-posing, pizza-enjoying, and automotive co-masculinity. "Unfortunately, under the current rules, college athletes aren't allowed to perform endorsements, so this is really our first chance to see them pretending to use and like these products," said Gatorade scout Grant Bonner, carefully studying running back prospect Trent Richardson as he poured a beverage on his face. "We need to see if these guys have what it takes to be able to support a brand for years to come or are just flash-in-the-pan draft busts who can't even fake a conversation with an animated gecko." Bonner added that Gatorade will probably still sign Andrew Luck despite the highly touted rookie pitchman repeatedly calling the company's product a "flavory drink."

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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