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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Players, Owners Agree To Have One Last Kick-Ass Season Before 2011's Lockout

NEW YORK—In an eleventh-hour session Wednesday night, representatives from the NFL Players Association sat down with the league's owners to reach an agreement on their "One Last Big Blast" plan to have the most rocking football season ever before next year's work stoppage. "With the threat of a lockout looming, we just started looking around and it dawned on us: We need to go fucking nuts out there one final time, just score a shit-ton of touchdowns and really kill it with some badass sacks," Patriots owner Bob Kraft said. "America's No. 1 sport may not have a season in 2011, but fans will at least be happy that we just rocked right the fuck out in 2010." As of press time, the only public provision of the "One Last Big Blast" plan is to increase the number of stadiums with pirate ships and functioning cannons by 31 before week 10.

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