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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Players, Owners Agree To Have One Last Kick-Ass Season Before 2011's Lockout

NEW YORK—In an eleventh-hour session Wednesday night, representatives from the NFL Players Association sat down with the league's owners to reach an agreement on their "One Last Big Blast" plan to have the most rocking football season ever before next year's work stoppage. "With the threat of a lockout looming, we just started looking around and it dawned on us: We need to go fucking nuts out there one final time, just score a shit-ton of touchdowns and really kill it with some badass sacks," Patriots owner Bob Kraft said. "America's No. 1 sport may not have a season in 2011, but fans will at least be happy that we just rocked right the fuck out in 2010." As of press time, the only public provision of the "One Last Big Blast" plan is to increase the number of stadiums with pirate ships and functioning cannons by 31 before week 10.

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