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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Players Rest Up For Grueling Week Of Super Bowl Hype

NEW ORLEANS—Ahead of the much-anticipated matchup between the Ravens and 49ers, sources confirmed Tuesday that players from both teams have been resting up for an arduous week of intense Super Bowl hype. “It’s been a long season and everyone’s feeling weary, but we all need to be physically and mentally prepared for the fierce publicity ahead,” said Ravens safety Bernard Pollard, adding that seasoned veterans like linebacker Ray Lewis are crucial to showing younger players how to properly handle the relentless interviews, commercial appearances, photo shoots, and social media interaction. “There are times when you don’t think you can keep going, but you just have to dig deep and really push yourself to keep talking about how this is the biggest game of your life and how we’ve all fought so hard to get here. We’ll be getting ready as though this is any other totally overhyped event, but in a lot of ways you can’t totally prepare for such a huge promotional buildup.” When reached for comment, 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh told reporters he is “relishing every moment” of the week-long Super Bowl hype after working his entire life to get to this level of attention.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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