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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Players Rest Up For Grueling Week Of Super Bowl Hype

NEW ORLEANS—Ahead of the much-anticipated matchup between the Ravens and 49ers, sources confirmed Tuesday that players from both teams have been resting up for an arduous week of intense Super Bowl hype. “It’s been a long season and everyone’s feeling weary, but we all need to be physically and mentally prepared for the fierce publicity ahead,” said Ravens safety Bernard Pollard, adding that seasoned veterans like linebacker Ray Lewis are crucial to showing younger players how to properly handle the relentless interviews, commercial appearances, photo shoots, and social media interaction. “There are times when you don’t think you can keep going, but you just have to dig deep and really push yourself to keep talking about how this is the biggest game of your life and how we’ve all fought so hard to get here. We’ll be getting ready as though this is any other totally overhyped event, but in a lot of ways you can’t totally prepare for such a huge promotional buildup.” When reached for comment, 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh told reporters he is “relishing every moment” of the week-long Super Bowl hype after working his entire life to get to this level of attention.

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