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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Playoff-Bound Brewers Celebrate By Spraying Mayonnaise In Locker Room

MILWAUKEE—Moments after the Brewers officially clinched the 2008 NL wild card Sunday, CC Sabathia, Prince Fielder, and the rest of the team celebrated by jumping up and down while dousing each other with giant gouts of mayonnaise.

"As soon as Ryan [Braun] hit that home run, I was like, 'Someone better put the mayo on ice,'" said Sabathia, wiping the thick, egg-and-oil based condiment off his face and then licking it off his fingers. Sabathia, who pitched a complete-game four-hitter, was engulfed in the locker room by teammates who poured seven 48-ounce jars of Hellman's mayonnaise over his head, scooping out the contents of each container with spatulas. First baseman Prince Fielder was even more animated during the celebration, at one point taking off his shirt and chugging a half gallon of mayonnaise. However, in an unfortunate incident, shortstop J.J. Hardy forgot to put on his protective goggles and will as a result miss the entire NLDS with mayo eye.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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