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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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'Please Don't Feed The Poor' Campaign Catching On

WASHINGTON, DC—Big-city mayors across the U.S. are hailing Congress' recently passed, $550 million "Please Don't Feed The Poor" public-awareness campaign as "a major step in the right direction." Said New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: "When well-meaning but misguided souls give money or food to the poor, it takes them out of their natural dumpster-scavenging patterns and upsets their delicate ecosystem." L.A. Mayor Richard Riordan agreed, saying, "It's important for people to know that feeding the poor ultimately does them more harm than good."

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