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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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‘Please Hold While I Send You Through To Mr. Gilmore,’ Says Jim Gilmore Inside Empty Campaign Office

DES MOINES, IA—Sitting by himself behind a computer desk in an otherwise empty rented office space, former Virginia governor and current Republican presidential candidate Jim Gilmore reportedly answered a phone call Sunday by raising his voice to a high-pitched vocal register and asking the caller to hold while he transferred them to Mr. Gilmore. “Just one minute, please,” said Gilmore in a feminine falsetto before approximating the sound of an electronic beep with his voice and then holding still for several moments. “I apologize for the wait; Mr. Gilmore is a very busy man. We’ve been completely backed up all morning. If I can’t get in touch with him, would it be okay to have him return—oh, wait, you’re in luck, here he is. One second…. Hello, this is Jim.” At press time, Gilmore was explaining to the person on the other end of the line that the law office of Cafferty & Sullivan had moved out of the building several weeks ago and was now located over on Union Street.

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